By Bandula Jayasekara Courtesy The Island

January 14, 2016, 12:00 pm

As the Minister for Nothing to do in Sri Lanka’s jumbo Cabinet, even bigger than the one created by former President Mahinda Rajapaksa, I am having the time of my life living in lies, blatant lies and deception. I only hope the bubble will never burst. In this New Year, I am waiting for the Christmas present promised to me by the dear Prime Minister Ranil Wickremesinghe and dearest President Maithripala Sirisena, the additional massive, enormous 20,000 rupee increment for me to attend parliament sessions in Kotte. It is my treasure and pleasure hunt in the ancient capital of Sri Jayawardanepura.

I am of the most sincere view that this increment will help to solve all the problems in the country, mostly our problems to have fun at the masses of Sri Lanka. I will continue to consider them as the biggest asses of the world for electing us as their sole representative. This will enable everyone to attend Parliament, even those who haven’t uttered a word there so far. I have no doubt they will not utter a word even after the increased allowance. Many will continue to relax, dance, engage in slanging matches, bring swimming trunks to take a swim in the well of Parliament, and have a feast at the parliamentary canteen and engage in useless talk.

There will be confusion with the media declaring that they are the real opposition with so many oppositions in Parliament at present. One led by Sam-Ban-Dan who is representing only the North as the Leader of the Opposition, another led by no one but a disjointed opposition which proudly call themselves THE joint opposition, another by the black flag Guru, Udaya Gammanpila , the opposition opposed to President Sirisena, other group opposed to old Comrade Vasudeva Nanayakkara, another opposed to giant Finance Minister Ravi Karunanayake, another opposed to a ship named Avant Garde, and another opposed to Ranil Wickremasinghe and Premadasa. I nearly forgot the Wijedasa and Fonseka factions. There is another group opposed to all opposers. Everything is taking place among these 225 members. As a Minister, I am also a creator of this highly divisive Sri Lankan island society.

Only I, as the Minister of Nothing to do at all, could see the big picture. It is really a big picture for us, but for the masses it will always remain a small picture. No one is objecting to the increase of allowance. Not Vasu who is fighting for a house at his old age, not Mahinda who is still waiting for his official residence as a former President, whilst doing his Temple rounds, not Dullas and Dallas. Even not so Weera Wansa who is keeping quiet. In fact the likes of Suresh Premachandran are asking for even more. My buddy from the hill capital, Lakshman Kiriella too is asking for more. Poor chap he is. Poor Hirunika Premachandra who is awaiting a transfer to the new ministry of Criminal Activities, Thuggery and

Violence too, is keeping quiet. There is a big buzz that she will be in charge of Abduction in the new ministry. I am sure the new minister will have more subjects in time to come. Several black defenders have been ordered to be placed under Hirunika for the purpose of future abductions.

That Parliamentary Jokes man, Ramanayake, who makes a big ha ho on the plight of the people living in Saudi Arabia is extremely quiet. May be no one is offering him any film roles these days due to his real life acting and he too is in need of money. Poor fellow! Only if he remained as plain one shot, we could have transferred him to the Ministry of Crimes, Thuggery and Criminal Activities as one of the Chief Thugs or just One Shot,

Someone said even the Prime Minister and the Speaker are entitled to this 20,000 per sitting. Not bad for these top leaders to pick pocket money from the masses. I overheard young Muthuhettigama saying “Ado, People like Weerawansa, Ajith Perera, Dilan , Anura Kumara Dissa, Vasu Aiya, Dinesh Uncle and others are not entitled to 20,000 rupees per sitting, because they are always standing and shouting in Parliament.” I thought Muthu’s was a class act. I wonder if he is a student of Prof GL Peiris and a constitutional expert. Maybe he was educated at Harvard. Bandula Gunawardane, who once said that ordinary people could live with just Rs. 2,500 a month, too, is silent. I am surprised at his silence since he is a people’s fool. Did he get his calculations right or is he struggling to swallow it all. Ah Yes. Rs. 20,000!

However, since I came from the back door national list to Parliament. and was later appointed as a Minister, just like my Humpty Dumpty ministerial buddy SB Disa, I have a soft corner for the people of this country. Whilst saying Thank You to the people of Sri Lanka for the 20,000 rupees per parliamentary sitting ducks, I am waiting to see if any of the 225 MPs will have the guts and courage to say NO to the 20,000. If anyone refuses it and wants it to be given to the masses I am also prepared to say NO. Thank you very much. Have a nice day. Have a nice New Year!

Thanks again to the people of Sri Lanka for electing us so foolishly. Happy New Year!