THANK YOU HOLY GHOST FOR
Every time I pick up an English daily in Colombo I am tickled pink.
Not on account of those hilarious antics of the native politicians
colorfully relayed by the local rags or even by those exaggerated
fairy tales concocted by the terror supporting peaceniks; these can
be rib tickling enough, but it is those bizarre type of 'thank you'
ads, which gives me a kick in the head.
Now don't get me wrong, a 'thank you' note shouldn't tickle any one's
funny bone under normal intercourse between mortals. But ones I am
speaking of are not targeted at normal living person of flesh and
blood, but at those now dead and gone denizens who are residing in
a heavenly abode with their Catholic father. Why such 'thank you'
notes should find its way into the Sri Lankan dailies was an enigma
for quite a while to me. I mulled over the puzzle until the obvious
fact hit me like a ton of bricks. Indeed, in the world where the Catholic
saints reside they don't print newspapers. So the faithful are unable
get their 'thank you' ads printed in the world of the saints. Besides,
no postal services are functioning between the worlds of the dear
departed Catholic saints and that of ours, hence impossible to forward
letters of appreciation to them for the services rendered. We cross
such messages of appreciation almost daily in the English news media.
For sake of study let me quote a few short freshly printed ones:-
Thanksgiving; Holy St. Jude Helper of
the Desperate My Humble Thanks for the favor granted.
Thank you St. Anthony for that special
favor you granted to me.
Thank you Infant Jesus for saving us.
Now the name of the 'thankee' (As a necessity, I coined the word
'thankee' to identify the person who is placing the 'thank you' ad,
for want of a better word. Also as a rule the advertiser's name remains
anonymous, with some initials placed as a signature). Which logically
follows that who ever the saint a particular 'thank you' announcement
is addressed to, that Catholic saint knows miraculously, the name
of the 'thankee' placing the related ad? But curiously, on the other
hand, these heavenly angles are unable to use their magical powers
to tap into the message itself, unless they appear in Sri Lankan dailies
in black and white. That must be the reason why such message should
be specifically printed in a newspaper, which will inform the appropriate
saint that the 'thankee' has got his prayer fulfilled and this is
the 'thank you' as per contract.
We have to assume then that, St. Anthony on waking up in the morning,
leaves aside his busy schedule and deliberates; "now has Mary
Magdalena (I have given a good catholic name here to offer an identity
to the 'thankee', which helps the reader to be more intimately associated
with the subject) thanked me for that special favor I rendered to
her the other day. And I expect her to thank me in the Daily News,
so all and sundry will be able to note how helpful I have been. If
she lapses, then I would suspend granting her any more favors".
Or, one can imagine St Jude coming out of his slumber and contemplates,
it is proper that I browse through the Island today, and check whether
Maria Theresa has not forgotten to thank me for that extraordinary
favor I bestowed upon her the other day, and thereby saved her delicate
reputation. Indeed, if she has failed to show her appreciation by
not printing her thank you ad in The Island, she would never receive
any more benefactions from me.
Naturally, all such 'thank you' messages have got the godless 'heathen'
like yours truly perplexed.
I am wondering, what sort of help are in question here. Something
small, something huge, something miraculous?
For an example lets assume that Mary Magdalena has cuckolded her
husband and St Anthony miraculously helped her cover up her transgression
by helping her slip off from getting nabbed by her husband? Quite
a small potato favor. The local priest could have washed her sins
away for a paltry utterance of nine Hail Marys and what's more, it
wouldn't be hard on her purse either.
Or can it be something little more serious, say Maria Theresa has
poisoned her husband, and St Jude was kind enough to help her avoid
the hangman's noose. Now that's 'moderately' a big potato. Yet with
saints' owning unlimited miraculous powers delegated unto them by
the Holy Ghost, this was not asking too much by a good catholic.
Or, are these thank you ads speaking of some real big rip offs, say
something like the 'donation of Constantine'. Now that's a big time.
For those ignorant of Catholic church's history; this incident took
place in 774 when Pope Hadrian summoned Emperor Charlemagne to the
Vatican and laid before him a document, purporting to be a deed executed
by Constantine granting central Italy "until the end of the world"
to Pope Sylvester and his holy successors.
This document is known today as "the Donation of Constantine"
and is a universally acknowledged forgery.
Now that's the sort of help one can be really be grateful for. Personally
I would have put in several thank you notes for that one; after all,
it did hoodwink a whole lot of people for a whole lot of time.
In fact, that is the sort of help the LTTE Catholic terrorist leadership
should put on to their patron saints, if they are to gain some 'real
estate' in Sri Lanka. Strangely, this kind of aid from the saints
has not been forth coming and one wonders why? And to add insult to
injury, the tiger terrorist's real estate area was dashed with a tsunami
recently. How insensitive can these saints be!
The question that really kept buzzing around my head was why such
'thank you' ads shouldn't appear in any of the hard core Catholic
countries such as Spain or Italy, why particularly in Lankan dailies.
Then it dawned upon me that, these saints wake up at the same time
as the Sri Lankan do, and naturally they would wish to have a crisp
English news paper to browse through in the morning. That's why perhaps
Pope has given a special dispensation that all such 'thank you ads'
should be placed in the English dailies of Sri Lanka, and he has instructed
these saints to read only the papers printed in Sri Lanka ..
On Monday (12th March) the Norwegian capital of Oslo held the World
Premier to full house for a documentary called "My daughter the
terrorist,". The documentary was financed by Norwegian Government's
"Film fund" which contributed 250.000 Norwegian Kroner and
the Norwegian Free Speech Foundation which contributed 1.000.000 and
the film was directed by Beate Arnestad.
We follow in the trailer (can be accessed on the internet) two female
LTTE black tigers worshiping Mary, the mother of Jesus, and a proud
mother informing the journalist that her daughter was keen on becoming
a nun. How wonderful I thought! So now we know, that there's hardly
any difference between taking wows to become a nun or taking AK-56
to serve a pathological murderer, who's also considered a God of the
sun, thus a God in his own right.
But her dreams could have been fulfilled more painlessly. If the
local Catholic priest has relayed to her some standard well practiced,
result oriented procedures, and she wouldn't then need to do such
bloodthirsty work. A saint could have handled it more effortlessly.
She needed only to have prayed in her request to the appropriate patron
saint for the favor she desires, and once that's granted, just show
her appreciation by placing a 'thank you' ad in any Sri Lankan daily.
Indeed if I may, I can hypothesize how she should formulate her prayer
too; 'Holy virgin, destroy your enemies the Sinhalese Buddhist chauvinists
and those idol worshipping Hindus, and deliver this fair land unto
the hands of the true believers of the holy Catholic Church.' Simple
The procedure as to how go about is repeatedly printed in the Island
dailies. She only needs to follow the standard mantra and plead to
the Holy virgin as these ads assure that they never fail. The standard
prescription to follow is:-
PRAYER TO THE VIRGIN-MARY (never known to fail)
Oh most beautiful flower of Mt.carmo! Blessed mother of the son of
God, Immaculate Virgin assist I my necessity. Oh
One could read full text in any Sri Lankan daily as I dare not proceed
with the full incantation for a vital reason; the Holy mother may
misunderstand my intentions and take it as if I need a favor, and
exactly at this point of history I don't need to bump off anybody.
But the point I am striving to make in quoting this particular standard
prayer is, the manner in which it exhorts the 'thankee' what he or
she should do in return for the favors granted. For it specifies that:
Within 3 days after that the request has been invoked, it
will be granted and the prayer must be published:
Now you must be thinking why the hell should I be concerned as to
any favors granted, or how big the favor that was granted to some
Tom, Dick or Mary? That observation is well taken. The point is, I
have been thinking seriously of placing a 'thank you' ad myself. Well
actually, not for something I got done personally. Indeed I don't
pray to any mother's son for what I need, but go right out and get
it. But what I had in mind was something which the whole world should
have been grateful for. Specifically I am thinking of placing a 'thank
you' ad to the Holy Ghost for coming to the aid to those defenseless
children. What I had in mind goes like this:
"Thank you Holy Ghost for helping to expose the Roman Catholic
clergy's sexual abuses in US and other western countries followed
by successful prosecutions. I am beseeching thee that please do the
same thing in Sri Lanka. Since the Catholics landed on this Paradise
Island in 1505 they have turned it into a living hell. Dear infant
Jesus, if you grant me this wish within three days as these Catholic
ads proclaim, then I will put in a 'thank you' ad in all Sri Lankan
dailies. But if you don't do it in three days then this contract is
null and void."
We now know why the industrialized Catholic countries such as Spain
and Italy discourage such uncouth ads. If they do, they will be the
laughing stock of Europe. So they move shop to such mindless Buddhist
countries such as Sri Lanka.
These destabilizing forces in the Island nation can be easily recognized!
Sinhalese Buddhist chauvinist has not heeded Mettannanda's findings
vis-à-vis Catholic action in the 1960s. And, he prophesied
it all. What he predicted has now come to pass and more. Now we realize
that this insidious organization has a singular aim. Keep the Island
of Sri Lanka destabilized and poverty ridden. Which would be of help
when they sell the Judeo Christens hollow truths to these dull natives?
And, as an instrument of that policy, they have created a terrorist
monster. Thus in these absurd ads we recognize an extension of the
same Catholic action agenda of destabilization.
Today, the Sinhalese Buddhist chauvinists are fighting a shadowy
enemy. They must identify their enemy first instead of shadow boxing.
Buddhist tolerance is taken as a weakness by all these Judeo Christians
sects. Until such time they penetrate this subtle truth they will
be at the mercy of every passing Catholic saint, holy cowboy nun or