By Sudat Pasqual Courtesy  The Nation

Bloody election news; again
Upon hearing that Mahinda Rajapaksa will be contesting under the UPFA symbol, both President Sirisena and Prime Minister Wickremesinghe were rushed to the emergency ward of the National Hospital complaining of nausea, dizziness, and vomiting. Later both were seen screaming and throwing inanimate objects at a smart TV while daintily holding on to pink handkerchiefs between their right thumb and forefinger.

In a development directly linked to the threatening announcement of the dictator’s imminent return, State Pharmaceutical Corporation says that there has been a run on Colombo’s adult diaper market. The UNP General Secretary called us and ordered all available adult diapers to be delivered to Sirikotha and distributed among UNP candidates,” a thoroughly-perplexed Pharmaceutical chap stated.

Giving the official UNP reply to the former dictator’s statement that he will be contesting the upcoming general election, an offspring of Gamini Dissanayake said that the UNP, unlike the SLFP will make the dictator the prime minister in the unlikely likelihood of UNP winning the election. As for me, whoever promises me the next two TV rights deals will get my vote,” the offspring whimpered unconvincingly.

JVP Red-Green Blues
The Janatha Vedabari  Peramuna (JVP) says that they too will be doing it alone on August 17 like their new-found UNP green friends. We have received our yearly allotment of funds from North Korea and that will cover most of the campaign-related expenses. The UNP has also given our 7percent from the bond scam. So, the politburo is well positioned to visit comrade Fidel immediately after we get humiliated at the election,” the Vedabari ones said.

Greened white vans
The United National Party (UNP) has called for tenders from vehicle dealers for 50 white vans. The party will use these vans exclusively for election duty and once they had completed their designated task of terrorising the people into voting for the UNP, they will be used to abduct and transport UNP-unfriendly journalists.

Astrologers!
The former dictator of Mulana is desperately seeking an astrologer who is willing to predict even with a 25percent certainty that the dictator will not end up with eggs on his face during and after the August 17 parliamentary elections. Wambatu Dinesh and Halitosis Vasu, two of the most misleading figures hovering around the dictator, were told by a group of stargazers that there will a shortage of eggs in the country between now and August 17 because people were starting to stock up on eggs to throw at the dictator and his circus of clowns.

COPE to pay
Chairman of COPE, Dewy the Decimal Man said Deputy Minister Thambaya Sherlock Senasinghe will be paid in copper for sleeping through most of the COPE hearings and Rosy the Nosy will be paid in Manipuri saris for pretending to understand the proceedings. Decimal Man said that Deputy Eran has refused to accept any compensation stating that he felt spiritually violated after listening to so many bald-faced lies. Decimal Man further explained that Deputy Eran’s brother had to get one of his Catholic padre friends to exorcise the demon Bond from Deputy’s soul. It was apparently frightening but he is apparently fully cleansed, starched and ready to rock and roll now,” Dewy the Decimal explained.

Bond Scam 007
Prime Impostor Wickremesinghe says that he will suspend the license of Perpetual Treasuries if the born bad company fails to cough up the Rs.500 million as agreed to finance the UNP election campaign. That was our deal. We are bonded for perpetuity,” the Impostor insisted.

Freedom from Media
In a swift and decisive Goebbelsian manoeuvre, the Chairman/Dictator of the United National Party has ordered the rag sheets funded by the taxpayer to propagate and spread confirmed lies and disinformation, with a campaign of not publishing any non-UNP related news (if the said news propagated the truth and factual events).  Chairman of the rag sheets Kavan the Rat will conduct a workshop to teach his lying acolytes the finer points of lying for profit. Immediately afterwards, the Rat will travel to North Korea to share the same information with that country’s liars.

JC Weliamude, head of UNP-affiliated Hypocrisy National hailed Chairman Rat’s proactive move towards authoritarianism as a giant slippery slope for the people of Sri Lanka. Weliamude’s sentiments were endorsed by the Media Free Lanka (formerly known as the Free Media Movement), Campaign for CIA funded-Free and Fair Elections (earlier known as Campaign for Free and Fair elections), US Ambassador and the Center for America Centered Alternatives (formerly Center for Policy Alternatives).

In related subjugated media news, Five Million Rupee Man Victor Ivan has been appointed as a non-working (but obviously paid) director of Hypocrisy National.

The Chaura Kingdom of Ravaya has anointed Victor Ivan as their Emperor. He will be known as Aiyo! Ivan the Hypocrite” and will succeed his kissing cousin Chaura Savannah the Vast” who had reached the numerical age of 70 while retaining the mental maturity of a horny toad.

SLC cricket
The Sri Lanka Cricket (SLC) has released the names of individuals who have been appointed to various functional and non-functional committees of the disorganization. The  SLC said that they are fully committed to continuing their destructive march to financial ruin and the committee structure will closely resemble the country’s Cabinet of ministers where only the Tried, Tested and Trusted Thieves (TTTT) will be entrusted to handle areas that waste most money and the honest and hardworking professionals will be delegated to non-functional committees/ministries.

Obviously, that’s how former ministers looted the SLC and the current minister sees no reason to deviate from such an efficient method of stealing. We are also very keen to follow the tainted footsteps of our newly-suspended American brethren the United States Cricket Association (USCA). The Minister is confident that the SLC is more than capable of bettering USCA’s record of financial mismanagement,” a person wearing a tie and a toupee and eating a Chinese roll from the nearby Perera & Sons outlet said.

News from Exchange
The Colombo Stock Exchange (CSE) has conducted a live drill involving Rhesus monkeys to highlight their commitment to catastrophic human activity prevention. In a statement, the CSE said that Rhesus monkeys, unlike their humanoid cousins, realize the importance of systemic safety and credibility. The Chief Information Officer (CIO) of CSE said that they are confident that the system will be able to withstand even class 7 disasters like the current Governor of the Central Bank and the Minister of Finance who have been confirmed as carriers of Rhesus negative factors. The Officer said that the next phase of the training and preparation will involve terrifying the monkeys by showing videos of the Central Bank Governor and the Minister of Finance conducting activities individually as well as jointly. We did show them photos of the two and the monkeys immediately got agitated and started chirping hysterically and some started throwing objects at the offending photos and a few urinated on the photos. We are very happy because that confirms our belief that Rhesus monkeys have a highly developed sense to identify perfidious activity”, said the CIO.

In related Stacked Exchange news, Governor Rhesus Negative Bondi says that he is expecting a huge boost to the country’s black economy with the inevitable flooding of black money to fund various campaigns during the upcoming-parliamentary election. RH Negative Bondi said that he along with his son in law will pump in Rs.500 million from their ill-gotten gains to the UNP campaign and his uncle and convicted felon Raj Raj will funnel a further 500 million to the UNP campaign through the Ministry of Finance and the Union Bank. When asked to confirm his buddy Negative Bondi’s assertion, RH Negative Ravi said Yo, bro; got that right. We’ve got to counter the Seychelles funding factor of the MR campaign my man!”

Accused felons
If we take away rapists, murderers and drug dealers from the equation, we will be left with a bunch of eminently qualified candidates who might be free thinkers. Where will we be then? The  CaFFE (Campaign for Free and Fair Elections) should consider the other side of this issue before making such irresponsible demands. All ACCUSED BUT NOT CONVICTED felons will always be welcome in my UNP,” said Prime Minister Wickremesinghe

MR told
The last dictator of Sri Lanka, Mahinda of Mulana was rushed to the nearest Vedamahattaya after he was informed that drug dealers would not be able to contest on his ticket at the August parliamentary election. How…what….when…..I’ve never won anything without them!” he was heard whimpering.

At least WE are safe”,  Halitosis Vasu and Pathola Dinesh when informed of the drug dealer decision.Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekirilanthaya