Bandula Jayasekara Courtesy Island

Maithripala Sirisena, our dear leader, was walking up and down very angrily. Usually calm and ‘compassionate’, Sirisena was never in such a mood and his cohorts gave a mood by mood commentary. Sirisena then wore his crown, sat on the throne chair he reluctantly accepted and summoned his minister of textiles Gemunu Wijeratne or someone like that (sorry, we have lost count of the ministers and can’t remember all their names). He asked “Adey, Gemunu, is our textile production so good? Is there a surplus of under garments?” Gemunu said, ” Yes, there is. It’s no secret that brands like Triumph and Victoria Secret are made in Sri Lanka. Today, we are known worldwide as the undies country. People of this world do not refer to Australia as Down Under any longer but Sri Lanka”

Sirisena smiled like the Santa Claus in December ” Ho, Ho … “No wonder our girls are throwing their bras at Spanish singers! But, is there a shortage of bras in Spain for this Spanish singer to have taken those bras with him? Did we impose any duty when he took those bras?” Minister Gemunu Wijeratne replied, ” Sir, Do you remember our present MP Geetha Kumarasinghe when she was an actress. I remember her throwing her bra in the movie ‘Pembara Madhu’ and running with late Vijaya Aiya. Think we had lots of bras even then.” “Shut up you idiot. Shut up. Very soon she will head a development council in the south. How dare you speak of her like that,” thundered Sirisena.

Minister of Textiles was booted out of the Palace of the President and Hon Minister of Finance Ravi Karunanayake was summoned to meet with the President. Maithripala addressed Ravi like Ranil do these days. “I say, Ravi, you are trying to collect taxes these days and how come you didn’t tax that Spanish singer Enrique who took all the bras from Sri Lanka in his private jet” “Aiyo, Aiyo Sir, How could we tax that and earn millions of dollars because Enrique only took the used bras or as we say in Sri Lanka second hand bras. It is against our customs regulations to tax used bras and tooth brushes,” Ravi K responded.

Maithripala looked at Ravi in a very suspicious manner. He even thought for a while. “Are you sure Ravi, that you didn’t have a hand in this used bra exports to Spain. What do we call this, men? Human smuggling or smuggling of items with human touch?” Ravi told Maithri he had no say on the matter and was listening to Christmas Carols at the Arcade when Enrique was singing at the CRFC. Sajith Premadasa, Ravi’s good buddy, later whispered to Maithri that Arcade is right next to the CRFC and Sirisena should have guessed where Ravi really was that night.

Suddenly, the President of Sri Lanka summoned his foreign minister Mangala Samaraweera. “Aney, Mangala. What did this Spanish man do? What is happening to our society? This is a national disgrace!” Maithri was really in tears. Mangala adjusted his tie, composed himself and said ” Maithri, you don’t understand the importance of this exercise. This was a jolly good foreign relations event. I am sure you are aware for years we have received used items during disasters and even during the deadly tsunami. Things had to change. under the Yahapalanaya government I arranged for our people to donate used bras and everything used down under to Spain which is having a severe shortage of such items these days. Siri, it didn’t cost us anything. Spanish fellow used his own plane. Our people paid from Rs. 5,000 to Rs. 35,000 to go to meet the fellow and delivered personally bras and other underwater items. This is an excellent diplomatic victory and Spain will ever be so grateful to us. Just chill man. Learn to chill”

Once angry El Presidente of sexy Sri Lanka was baffled! He didn’t even know that certain foreign missions were openly organising gay and lesbian events in Sri Lanka against his wishes though it is banned in Sri Lanka according to Maithri’s laws. Maithri was in a mood getting whipping ideas. He ordered his minister of all sorts of cultural activities Hon Ranjan Ramanayake to hire a helicopter from Sajin Vass Gunewardane and cover the bare breasted Sigiri frescos with immediate effect. Ranjan who always fights for women’s rights refused. ” No, Sir. I cannot do this. I am a main actor and I act opposite all sorts of beautiful stars. What will people think of me if I do this. I will never do such paraya things ever”

Maithri called all 225 cabinet ministers and no one was willing to take a flight to cover the Sigiri damsels. Some ministers gave excuses saying they cannot get the exact bra size to cover Kashyapa’s girls. Another said he was scared of getting killed by God King Kashyapa in his sleep. Maithripala Sirisena almighty President himself was having nightmares. But, he as a courageous man who defeated Mahinda Rajapaksa, immediately hired a helicopter and flew to Ampara in Sri Lanka.

At a well attended rally in Ampara God King Sirisena announced, “I will whip all those western singers who would dare to come to Sri Lanka. I will ban all the English songs. I will whip anyone who tries to organise any musical shows in Sri Lanka. I will establish a branch of Taliban in Sri Lanka. No more shorts. No more short skirts. No more long shorts. No bare bodies. No Enrique. No google. No internet. No cricket. No beer. Only the hijab will be allowed in Sri Lanka in the future. Netball players and female athletes shall wear saris in the future even during practices”

Someone attending the rally in Ampara threw a bra at Maithri and he couldn’t continue with the rest of his speech since his security took him to a hidden tunnel and later to a Eyes, Nose, Teeth/Tooth (ENT) specialist.