How to make Swiss cheese (a low-grade cheese full of holes) and the fake legend of William Tell.
Posted on December 23rd, 2019

Rudra de Zoysa.

The Swiss have contributed only 2 things to human civilisation – cuckoo clocks and secret bank accounts.

The abduction of Garnia Bannister Francis is a total fabrication similar to the story of William Tell. Tell was a farmer who lived about 700 years ago and was supposed to be good at shooting his cross -bow. He shot an apple off his young son`s head and became a national hero. The fake legend of Tell extols his marksmanship and fight against Albrecht Gessler a dictator, but hardly any mention is made of his son’s bravery to keep the apple on the head. Even Rossini composed an overture for William Tell. Tell’s son kept an apple on his head on November 19, 1307. Apparently Tell killed Gessler on 25 November 1307 and so, Tell, the national hero, is sculpted in stone, in bronze, in wax, in wood and in chocolate.  In 2019 Garnia made up her story on 25 November. What a coincidence! Garnia’s story is like Swiss cheese – full of holes.

Now, the Swiss Ambassador to Sri Lanka, Mr. Mock (what an unfortunate name!) was gullible enough to believe Garnier and thought this was a fantastic story to censure our newly elected President, his government and Sri Lanka in general. So, what did Mock do? He started to lie about Garnier’s health and asked Sri Lanka to follow due process. He fired several shots at our government, but all of them missed the target – the bullets ricochet off one of the mara trees that line Gregory’s Road (R G Senanayake Mawatha) and hit the organ that defines Mock’s manhood. Now Mock thought he was fully conversant with all the finer points of diplomatic protocol. However, President Rajapaksa gave Mock a dressing down. We now have a special emissary to patch up the Swiss f… up in Colombo.  Mock is a charlatan. Actually, I do not blame him all together but I do blame his mother for conceiving such an imposter.

Our President did the right thing and handled the fracas skilfully. I recommend that we make sculptures of our President in marble and in Swiss chocolate and place them opposite the Swiss Embassy on R G Senanayake Mawatha. President Rajapaksa protected our international dignity and integrity.  As for me, I will shun all Swiss products till such time as the lying Swiss ambassador formally apologises to our President and the people of Sri Lanka for the sham orchestrated by him. When he does apologise make him persona non grata and send him home. I urge all national minded persons to boycott all imported Swiss products till this formal apology is given by Mock or his surrogate. As a first step I applied some disinfectant to my Swiss watch and threw in to the rubbish bin.  Mr. Mock, I have no Swiss bank account (covert or overt) but listen carefully – the cuckoo clock is ticking.

Rudra de Zoysa

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